Lately I was thinking about intimacy. How much of it does a human need? I'm not sure, but I think I lack it. I've even tried out Kindroid, but I just can't get over the fact, that it is a hollow AI on the other side. I do not get any fulfillment out of such a conversation. It's basically just a glorified diary that tells me that everything is OK. I don't seek that. I actually want someone to tell me that what I do is bullshit, if it is indeed so, and I just cannot see it. I don't have friends. No close ones anyway. Guess it's mostly my fault, I'm too guarded around people. Still, when I decided to open up, the other party just kept the conversations shallow. Trivial stuff. This was not just once. I don't know if people just are not capable of 'deep talk' or they just don't want to open up to me.
Today a friend messaged me out of the blue. We have known each other for 20 years now. I told her, that I'm looking for intimacy and if she would be interested. And she would. But, to my surprise, she meant physical intimacy, not intellectual or emotional. This made me actually nervous. I'm a guy and I get nervous when I get a friends-with-benefits offer. Most guys dream of this, don't they? Well, her situation is complicated due to family reasons which is not my place to say. She told me that her intellectual / emotional intimacy is covered by her (girl) friends. I just came out of a complicated relationship and sex usually leads to deeper emotional bonds in women, or does it not? I don't want any more drama. I rather stick to my solitude. Not that I feel lonely. But occasionally I would like someone to confide in. And to be confided in. I miss that, I guess.